“Never date a woman with a dusty mantelpiece. If the mantelpiece is dusty, imagine what her actual body’s like.”
“Never let a new girlfriend see your asthma inhaler, otherwise they won’t feel safe with you.”
“If you get attacked in your own road, don’t scream like a girl. You still have to live in that road afterwards and it could be months before you can move. Tuck your chin in during a fight and never be tempted to bite an opponent for fear you might catch some horrible disease. The wait in the clinic to find out if you’ve caught Hepatitis or Aids will be worse than any beating you’ve taken. You can come back from a beating. You can’t come back from Aids. You can come back from Hepatitis. Billy Bonds and Maradona came back from Hepatitis.”
“A woman might have a great arse, but you need to ask yourself, “Is it clean?””
“At night, soon as you’re within three roads from your house, put your keys in your hands and switch your pocket torch on.”
“Never acknowledge when a woman has gone to the toilet. Whilst she’s gone, try and think of at least five reasons why you love her. Five. If you can’t think of five, leave her.”
“If you tell a lie, make sure you remember the lie and who you told it to. Never admit you lied. Just keep on lying until even you believe it’s the truth. And then it stops becoming a lie.”
“”Only groom areas of your body you’re sure you can maintain as you get older.”
“Never have a house phone. People will just call you asking for favours.”
“Never get back together with an ex. You’ll never stop thinking of how many guys she banged whilst you were apart. And what will you both talk about as you’re getting tested at the clinic as you renew your commitment to each other? “
“When you visit a woman’s flat, try and get a look at how clean she keeps her toilet bowl before you give her your heart and your money. The toilet bowl will tell you everything you need to know.”
“If your godchild turns out to be a shit, you’ve always got the option of moving further away.”
“If your partner is seriously ill, don’t go all romantic and marry her. Think about it. You’re from Stockwell. You’re not Tony Curtis. You can’t be getting married five times and living in Stockwell. You’re going to be a widower in weeks and that’s going to make it harder for you to find someone new when she’s gone. And be restrained with the eulogy. You don’t want to be scaring away any potential female interest in the congregation.”
“If your lady dies, don’t think you have to abstain from sex for a long time. Roman Polanski was banging just four weeks after Sharon Tate was murdered.”
“The thing your partner once loved about you when you first met will inevitably become what she hates about you the most by the end.”
“Don’t let any woman that isn’t your wife mark you.”
“If you’re going to have an affair, don’t undergo any radical image transformation that may arouse your wife’s suspicion. Don’t showcase any new hairstyles during this period. In fact, go the other way. Have a shit hairstyle and lay off the grooming. When your wife confronts you with her suspicions, just turn around naked and face down her accusations with your Early Man tribute look.”
“If you have an affair, get your mistress using the same bath cream as you use at home so you’re always smelling the same.”
“Maintaining the same scent is critical to having a successful affair.”
“Never go for a woman like Jay Aston. They’re always trouble.”
“If she has a skin condition, you give her three months to do something about it. That’s the cut off point, son. After that, you can walk.”
“Don’t let your fear of the P45 prevent you from calling your boss a c*** if you need to.”
“When you’re sat in front of a disciplinary panel, just remember they’re like you or me, except they don’t share their toilet with 13 people.”
“Once you’ve been in that cubicle for more than 2 mins, it doesn’t matter how long you’re in there for. They’ll guess what you’ve been doing. You may as well stay in there for half an hour.”
“Be weary of the woman that wipes her mouth during meals with bread.”
“Limit your facial expressions in the bedroom. If the relationship goes wrong, don’t let her be able to recall your faces easily. Don’t let her have that over you.”
“A proper family all sleep in the same room. If we could just get our own toilet, this set up would look a whole lot better.”
“As you get older, maintaining an erection gets harder.”
“You think women don’t think about who their strongest lovers were and put them all into a little imaginary competition with group stages?”
“All you can do is make sure you don’t come bottom of that group.”
“If she’s met you when you’re older, she should make allowances for that and accept you’re unlikely to be as strong as her youthful lovers.”